Transmission #0005
STATION LOG 8463-A ///EOS10 Quarantine remains in effect, and COSMIC notes some "concerns" about Lt. Commander Johns
Admiral,
While a station-wide quarantine remains in effect, security reported observing “artisanal stalk bundles” moving in apparent coordination along Foodcourt Delta, forming what they said could only be described as a loose tactical wedge. Analysis shows patterning too complex for random drift and too organized for standard cart vibration. This appears to be sentient-level coordination.
My emotional health subroutines now report a statistically significant rise in crew mood when celery is present, accompanied by mild, diffuse empathy toward the plants themselves. Several crew members have described the bundles as “trying their best.” I am uncertain how they arrived at this conclusion.
The Promenade Merchants’ Association has responded by filing an official petition for “Sentient Produce Rights,” arguing that any vegetable capable of achieving formation should not be discounted as garnish and instead sold at a premium.
Captain Leota has, with notable reluctance, initiated an ethics consultation to determine whether celery can be granted limited station protections without extending similar status to parsley.
I will continue monitoring for further developments, including but not limited to: organized flanking maneuvers, attempts at spelling, or unionization. Ensign Xosa continues to work on a plan to integrate the celery into station life with minimal impact.
End of relevant anomaly report.
//
This transmission is sponsored by The Singularity Lounge: an immersive, escape room game where you can’t actually escape.* Find them in Section Charlie, Second Core.
//
I understand your curiosity about Lt. Commander Johns and her transition into a command role. She is not the sort of officer recruitment posters have in mind for Strategic Operations, yet she consistently outperforms every conventional performance metric by several standard deviations. She violates most expectations, many customs, and a statistically significant number of regulations, while still delivering flawless results. As Commander Dalias, CMO, once said, “no one can hatch a plot like Jane Johns.” In that respect, her promotion seems long overdue.
I understand your curiosity about Lt. Commander Johns and her transition into a command role. She is not the sort of officer recruitment posters have in mind for Strategic Operations, yet she consistently outperforms every conventional performance metric by several standard deviations. She violates most expectations, many customs, and a statistically significant number of regulations, while still delivering flawless results. As Commander Dalias, CMO, once said, “no one can hatch a plot like Jane Johns.” In that respect, her promotion seems long overdue.
In her honor, I have dedicated this transmission’s retroactive morale augmentation therapy section to her continued success as Strategic Operations officer. (Depending, of course, on how this trouble with celery situation works out.)
Admiral, it is December, the same month the crew of the infirmary of EOS10 previously encountered a sentient, carnivorous coniferous tree smuggled aboard by the notorious despot, plant lover and scholar of humanity, Arule Delatro Levithian the Third.
In celebration, his lecherous and treacherous brother Xander, who has been left in charge of Chéz Levi, is releasing Xander’s Burnt Bitter Beanwater, Holiday Edition, for a limited time. It is available freshly brewed in Chéz Levi. Xander describes it as delightfully disgusting and very human. Xander's Burnt Bitter Bean Water every day roast is available for shipping most places in the galaxy.**
That is it for now, Admiral. I’m certain Captain Leota will be able to handle the trouble we’re having with celery, and that the quarantine will be lifted soon.
Please get a good night’s rest. A well-rested crew reduces accidents, errors, and the temptation to reroute critical systems “just to see what happens.”
COSMIC
//
Station Efficiency Ratio:: 65.2%
Anomaly Probability Index:: 97.2
> Chlorophyll Variance Index: +61.3% (above average)
Crew Wellness Index: 74.6
> Physical Health:: 92.9%
> Emotional Health:: 74.8%
> Hydration Compliance:: 57%
/RED//STATION LOG 8463-A ///EOS10
COSMIC 1.0.22
END TRANSMISSION
*Participants may leave at any time. Conceptually.
**Most places consist of Earth, North American continent.