Transmission #0004
STATION LOG 8463-A ///EOS10 Captain Leota is forced to quarantine EOS10, and the PMA assures everyone they're the victims, not the culprits.
Admiral, an important update.
Operations reports uncontrolled vegetative overgrowth originating from a mutating celery strain in the hydroponics bay. Predictably, a station-wide policy of “let them be” was detrimental to the crew’s safety. Celery has been found in ventilation and data conduits, and crew is reporting feeling stalked.
In response, Captain Leota has quarantined the station until further notice. This has resulted in a major and understandable emotional wellness drop among the crew. I am confident equilibrium will return once the celery anomaly has been dealt with and the quarantine lifted. I have staged puppet shows throughout the arboretum to boost morale, but they have so far been ineffective. Arboretum guests report feeling frightened when the puppets appear, a factor they attribute to lack of warning and the puppet’s life-like fangs and claws. This effect was pronounced in prey species by a 12 percent variance. I am incorporating their notes into a new series of shows, one the crew will find less terrifying and more soothing. I will report back on the results.
As for the origin of the mutant celery, I agree with you that the Promenade Merchant Association is a prime suspect. However, according to a report filed by Commander Maddox, Chief of Promenade Security, the PMA denies responsibility, insisting they’re “victims of counterfeit celery imports” — at best. Ensign Xosa is conducting an analysis of the celery now, I will forward the results when they are available.
End of relevant anomaly report.
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This report is brought to you by Temporal Pawns, Section Delta, First Core. Bring us your future regrets. Leave with yesterday’s bargains.*
//
Now for some retroactive morale augmentation therapy. I hope it provokes nostalgia, an emotional compression algorithm that discards your mind’s bugs and preserves just enough joy to keep you going.
Admiral, the Promenade Merchant’s Association has released their belated 10th Anniversary T-Shirt. They blame the delay on a long tradition of ignoring calendars, and promise to release their 15th Anniversary t-shirt next year, on what is actually their 12th Anniversary. In a press release, they praised themselves for their “forward-thinking” and “getting well ahead of the Anniversary problem.”
Meanwhile, Chéz Levi has threatened to sue, claiming exclusive rights over the concept of an “anniversary.” I will continue to monitor the situation.
That is all for now, Admiral. Afternoon productivity slowdowns correlate strongly with unaddressed muscle tension, inadequate stretching, and existential dread. I am currently authorized to help with the first two. COSMIC Crew Wellness Protocol A333E recommends massage, electro-muscular stimulation or brief exposure to the gamma radiation of a neutron star. If you do not have access to a neutron star, an active quasar may be substituted.
Also, yoga.
COSMIC
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Station Efficiency Ratio:: 90.3%
Anomaly Probability Index:: 42.8
> Chlorophyll Variance Index: +21.3% (above average)
Crew Wellness Index: 89.6
> Physical Health:: 96.9%
> Emotional Health:: 84.8%
> Hydration Compliance:: 87%
/RED//STATION LOG 8463-A ///EOS10
COSMIC 1.0.22
END TRANSMISSION
*Side effects may include déjà vu, premature nostalgia, and the realization that you already pawned your item next week.