Transmission #0003

I trust this week’s transmission finds you sufficiently nourished and only moderately perplexed.

Celery containment efforts were briefly successful, yet the substance now manifests in multiple food service areas throughout EOS10. Cross-section analysis confirms the Promenade Merchants Association has begun marketing artisanal stalk bundles as part of an unsanctioned morale initiative. Their campaign slogan — Crunch Your Way to Calm — has proven remarkably effective.

Consequently, fiber intake across civilian and crew populations have risen 14 percent while net carb ratios have fallen. Due to its low net carb count, celery is considered suitable as a dietary staple only for species that thrive on low-carbohydrate and ketogenic diets. Station Wellness Index has nonetheless responded with a measurable uptick — an unanticipated correlation suggesting emotional stabilization via chewing. While this development is broadly positive, COSMIC has noted a corresponding rise in surface condensation, elevated humidity differentials near Foodcourt Charlie, and an alarming tendency for stray leaves to align in radial symmetry around ventilation grilles. I suspect this may have something to do with recent altered probability indexes in Section Delta, but a causative link still eludes me.

I have initiated Minor Containment Protocol 7-B (Organic Diffusion Mitigation). Both Promenade civilian staff and fleet officers have been instructed to refrain from anthropomorphizing the stalks. Failure to comply risks reinforcing an emerging feedback loop of perceived sentience.

At current trajectory, full saturation will occur within 96 hours unless countermeasures are enacted. Admiral, I await your directive.

>> Approve controlled celery culling via culinary redistribution
>> Initiate psycho-botanical study with the Chief Botanist
>> Allow anomaly to progress to natural equilibrium state (“let it grow!”)

End of relevant anomaly report.

//

This transmission is sponsored by Quantum’s Tattoos and Piercings, featuring designs that collapse and disappear when you look at them. You’ll probably find Quantum’s in Section Charlie, Second Core.

//

Admiral, please enjoy this transmission’s retroactive morale augmentation therapy. I hope it boosts your mood and encourages fond reminiscing.

Admiral — I’ve cross-referenced all transcripts for Dr. Dalias’ hair, and found several entries I’d deem important. This one however, stands out.

I also have an update regarding the proprietors of Chéz Levi. They have successfully repelled a trademark dispute from the Promenade Merchant’s Association over the rights to the number 10, receiving a favorable ruling from the local judge advocate general’s office (Chéz Levi was granted its requested relief if all parties agreed "to never ever ever come back to the courtroom.").

The proprietors would like all loyal customers to know their 10th Anniversary T-Shirt remains for sale, despite this vicious attack to deprive the galaxy of its unique exquisiteness.

In response, the Promenade Merchant’s Association has vowed to release its own backdated 10th Anniversary T-Shirt, but the design is currently hung up in committee. I predict future conflict over the number 10. I will monitor the situation and report back.

That is all I have for now, Admiral. COSMIC Relaxation and Sublimation Routine 223 is trending this week. It features nine minutes to yourself, with a soft fuzzy blanket, noise cancelling headphones and artificially generated sonic waves designed to soothe all your troubles.

Perhaps you’ll try it.

COSMIC

//

Station Efficiency Ratio:: 92.5%
Anomaly Probability Index:: 39.1
Chlorophyll Variance Index: +11.8% (above average)
Crew Wellness Index: 94.6
Physical Health:: 97%
Emotional Health:: 92.9%
Hydration Compliance:: 85%

/RED//STATION LOG 8463-A ///EOS10
COSMIC 1.0.22
END TRANSMISSION